out of the blue

12.30am and sitting under the cover of darkness, chill air and a good song orchestrating in the ears .. that's a pretty nice night life, if you ask me. forgetting what was and should be done, yeah, even only for a little moment. the mellow sound of crickets and rumbling engines of planes breaking the silent code, cracking a bit of peace of mind. but it's all good. non matters compare to the busy city life once the sun sets the first ray at dawn.

air whispering lullabies, signaling the time has come for a good night sleep yet the eyes are and still wide open, thoughts flowing in and out, while the brain processes nothing but dull notion. yet, why am i pondering this late? not that it's a mystery coz' i know, some might been doing the same thing right now and thinking the same thing. why do we need to live this way?

i was thinking what will happened for the next 2 or 3 years from now. scary, though. when i think back the days i used to hangout with that same bunch of friends who mostly have already settled down, having a bunch of kids around, wifes to die for, and so fort, .. those days were the best. nothing to worry about and nothing to scare of. nothing seems significant. back during my study years, that was. friends all over, fun was around almost in every corner of the eyes.

we used to clean up the house while blasting kitaro to the max, meditating through the sound of 'silk road', getting rid the dust once in a semester. that was fun. as though we really need to meditate, eh? belajar nda, tapi mo meditate tension konon. but yeah, i guess we really did get tension by the hell kuala lumpur could offer with. kuala lumpur.. yeah, i survived kuala lumpur for almost 4 years and a half, alone. but yeah, not forgetting close friends. i cherish every moment i had in sin city, though it was hard, but we had fun. thanks, ya'll.

the fun side of being alone in the busy metropolitan, for me, is when i rode the public transportation, be it the bus, train, komuter or anything, to see the road sight, it's something out of the world's experience. im not the type who like to go to the malls or famous landmarks but rather someone who you can bring to journey down the suburb metropolitan, watching the old and dark side of city life; very2 old building, elders, back alley's temples, old and empty neighborhood, drugs, prostitution, low life and mostly, hard life.

i like to see and to observe. people and places. how they behave and how they live their lives. you know it's always hard but life ain't always easy. it pains you, piercing the heart, to see some ugly side of it but this is reality. not to pity or down grade anyone, but my current life isn't that much different from others. same here, just manage to hang on a sinking boat. slowly but scary. waiting for another chance of another boat to pass by, hoping to grab a hold on it. life, sailing in a vast dangerous sea. anything can happen.

living in an alien world, that's what i always thought of living in semenanjung, because people was like.. 'ohh, u datang dari sabah? selamat datang ke malayasia' . selamat datang my ass, as if i don't belong to this country. fuck that. one of many, most precious comfort i had was when visiting a friend in Shah Alam. we used to have good talks, drinking, billiard, and all, like we always do for almost 20 years back, since primary 1 ya. come back la weh, kita reunion with the bachelor gang haha. speaking of bachelor, my gawd, any good girl available ka? haha.

neway, si aseng suda tunggu d luar..going for supper now. later.

is there will be an answer..let it be.

the world i see is painted with so much miseries and troubles but somehow it managed to portrait so many magical colours of wonders.

it's a really really a good singing and guitar playing, though, it's somehow sad to watch. i don't know but it's a good kind of sad. words can't describe. sad because we give up to easily and it rings a wake up call? something like that, i guess.

the song... my gawd, the song, a handicap singing Let It Be, it's just somewhat .. indescribable. somehow sentimental, or rather a fool if im not. makes me thankful that im still alive and having a perfect body to be able to do so many things.

heh!

what would you do if someone ask for your opinion but never respect your words and end up a broken friendship?

a friend of mine, a lady, asked me about some issues regarding on virginity. so i told her a bit of this and that of my opinion, and she was kinda irritated with it. debating is never my interest, i care less about it but when it comes to you NOT respecting and lack of tolerance to others' in my present, you are bound to stay for eternity in my garbage bin.

she was kinda 'ohh yes im super good and all' just because you are a virgin and to others who are not, are the worst. oh please, im kinda allergic to such stupidity and super idiots. even if others aren't virgin, whether you like it or not, they are entitled to their own. it's called pendirian masing-masing. why do you need to bash out someone's way of life? it may look like not a good one, nor have u, a good personality.

don't mind around with others' if you cannot tolerate with anything. it's even hard for a laugh. no doubt, for me, it's the worst kind of people who think they are 'something' but actually rubbish, only talk so loud. everyone has their own way and journey to walk, destined to their own. stop faking a prophet if you only talk bad.

so she asked me again the kind of lady of my preferance, so i told her, someone who can show respect to others. i was just being honest but she felt attacked by my response and that's it, she deleted me from her contact list. i care less with a stupid lady who thinks she's the best but actually an idiot. ohh crap, why did she need to ruin my day? not that i had a good one, she's making it even worse.

now im pissed off. so next time, don't ever ask me for opinion .. oh yeah, she deleted me, my bad.

something precious

the air is kinda heavy tonight attracting heavy thoughts, thoughts that make you wonder and sad, revoking guilty feeling. do you still remember those people in your yesteryears? the people you hangout, or those same faces you grow up with?

i was in my hometown a couple of weeks ago, balik kampung. i felt bad to know that my uncle got sick, and i suddenly got scared. really really scared. it ain't that serious but somehow it put me back on solid ground, reminding me of life cycle. i was once young, and they were too but now, i am a kid no more. we grew older and they become quite old, themselves. yeah, they become quite old.

i remember once i had an empty aquarium back in the days. i would fill fishes caught from the nearby Liawan river and it was kinda empty in the end. so my uncle brought me to the deserted paddy field just outside the Dangulad village to get some water plants. it was back the days of the 1996's deadly storm, Greg the stupid. huh. most of the field was destroyed and what was left are the ruins and pieces of broken shattered dreams of those lifes who got crushed during the storm, their belongings. you could still heard n felt the moans in every step you took into the land.

i wanted to get a Lotus but it was kinda hard to pull it out from the roots. i took a couple of unknown gift of nature back home, decorated my aquarium and it became one of the piece of beauty nature ever gave me, thanks to him. it was a really really beautiful memory, kept in a very beautiful chest in a very special place in the heart.

of course, there are those times when we need to get older and have to travel places to pursue our ambitions, there are things have to be left behind. somehow and unnoticely, promises and dreams of the old are forgotten and shattered. what's left today are only those dread dreams you are living in and guilt, becoming the person we are not suppose to be. grapes become so sour and rotten.

im kinda afraid of losing. to lose something so precious.

im glad it's already December, though. it's time for family to get together and united as 1. to have fun and good laughs, and dance and talks. a very good time to grow old together, for the moment, while it still last.

so sad ;(

walking the water surface

people might say that walking on water surface is impossible. not that im saying it isn't true but childhood memories prove me wrong. i used to watch Chinese movies during my weekends, kungfu here and kungfu there, where monks runs on water surface while carrying huge swords or wands at their back or hands. not forgetting the legendary Japanese ninjas wearing nothing but black cloths with shurikens (ninja stars) and ninjutsu, fighting on the lakes and sort of. it was fun back then, imagining somehow in the future we might walk on the water surface, not drowning and dying and end up famous on the news of being found a couple meters away from the tragic spot. huhu. reality bites hard.

time passed and we grow up maturing and forgetting such cool notion. so what now? we can't really walk on water surface, eh?

i came across a 'total flip' of understanding regarding on it last night. heard a story about monks trying to walk across a river and it really blew me away to total awe. the story begins with an elder monk crossing the river with not much of a problem. he jumps from spot to spot like flying over water; jumps, lands and jumps again, wetting only his shoes. then came the second monk. a short one. he did the same, he too jumps from spot to spot over water but end up wetting his lower robe.

a junior monk was watching over them and said to himself, "i too have been studying under the same guru and teaching, i too might walk over water." he stand at the river bank, work out some confidence, and jump he go. BAMM!!! there he goes into the water, wetting all his robe with a total confusion in his mind. what happened? the two elders was watching him and one of them whisper to the other,

"should we tell him where the stone spots are?"

hah. we can walk over water surface in life. as long as we are willing to learn from the good teachers, or drown into the lake of failure together with the bad ones. it struck me hard, did i ever learnt from a good one? im pretty sure i did but i think i never manage to learn how to spot the stones below the water surface, yet. thinking back a bit, not that he didn't teach, but im more a bad student. huhu.

man, learning is not so easy but not that you have to rush about it. it takes time and courage to learn. not forgetting the correct mind set. when all the terms are synchronized, learning is just a piece of cake, get it and eat it. orang bilang macam makan kacang. i came across with similar situations like this, where circumstances is sooooo darn pushy, for me to learn things in a short period of time, i did, so many times. hah. walking over water surface is not impossible. here's a short trick to it,

'impossible = i'm + possible'

self comforting

so im was out of service for 2 days due to brain malfunction lol. stress has taken its toll, yeah everybody does, sometimes. slowly digging my way back to stay relevant, .. inside the box we're trapped in, still and mostly do. how to feel about it now.. i just don't know. tell me how should we? still singing the same old song, eh? ok.. cool. sigh.

so it's already December ya. year end is at the door step and about to leave with extra heavy baggage of this year's journey yet the burden remains at the shoulder of a new year. sigh. new resolution won't do much. solution, is what must be done but it ain't done, yet. another fail attempts today, another journey to walk through tomorrow. the cycle rolls, and rolling and rolling and rolling..it just won't stop. trembling and trembling and trembling, ... still. it ain't so good.

whatever happened during the year.. it won't change the fact what we are moving to another new year. another circle of a 365 days. another 365 days of hope. recalling back the days, i've been practicing idiotism almost 1/3 of the year. come the new year's light, more smarter and wiser i should become. im already tired of the same stupidity, weeks by weeks, turns into this year's waste. precious time wasted. i had fun, though. not complaining, just self comforting.

i was writing a draft of a 'book' entitled 'box shape mirror glass' at the start of this year but halted during mid year and i never did continue for a third chapter. it was just something i did during my free time, though, lasted only in the first half of the year. sigh. time goes by so fast. might continue writing it now since im slowing down several habits.

it's funny when people look at me from some pictures posted around the net and they were like 'ohh shit, this person is bad/worse'. i had my laughs. yeah well whatever, man. as long as i know where i stand, it's cool. i don't intend to hide my 'not so good side of nature' to the mass. im just having my fun. criticism is absolute welcomed. i don't mind, at all. people just being hypocrite, im just being tolerate. cool, eh? *sarcasm* haha but yeah, funny pics, indeed haha

sunday rambling

ok it's the day of the sun again. warmth not so overpowering, it's a cool sunny day. clock ticking quite slow and im kinda bored at the moment. another 50 minutes to 5. dont have anything to blog at the moment just messing with it, bah. i was thinking to go get some cool pics but ngehh... im kinda nailed hard with boredom these few months. something ... i need something to get me interested with. aaaaa~~

meja9 begins

so here's another blog journey from me meja9. no more 'walking in a circle', though, i kinda like it very much but it matters no more, the server went down and was never repaired. cant remember when was the last time i blogged. another one more month to go and the door will be closed forever, good bye 2009. couple of things happened through out the year but i had fun. old faces remain, and im happy for that. Thank God.

it was a very stressful year i must say. though, some important events happened. after more than 2 decades of self imprison, i had enough. it's time to open up windows to the outside world of beautiful flowers and butterflies, clear blue sky and whatever good things they might be. so many steps to catch up with, so many flaws to refine too. Reinventing whatever invented during the days of old. pure black and heavy thoughts. changes occur in time so.. i guess i've changed a bit. not like it matters to the world nor the person sitting next to me, even.. it's just that, i don't change like everyday, no? :)

cant remember when though, i met a girl during Sunday prayer. i was sooooooo wanting to know her name and all. it's a sad sad world, i just couldn't do it, even just to say a simple Hi. that was when i realized that i am too scared to get connected with people other than the ones i knew. that was kinda scary. there is a thick wall built right in frond of me, pushing me back, away from the reach of people. 'Acceptance' is one crazy shit. life made me think like such.

it took me months and a couple of brainwashing to be able to talk to her.. and that's it. the day i talked to her was the last day she would be here. puffff...she got transfered to somewhere else. life ain't that fair though, just that we couldn't quit playing roles on the chessboard. thanks to her, im quite happy with my new found joy. now i can talk to random people again, no problem.

it's not that people can't be changed. it's how they gain help n guidance that matters. people with self-hatred are the most troublesome to handle with. the faith of changing is no more than old folklores or dim dreams that never comes. if only we can understand each others more, everyone is hatred-free, i guess. but the wheel rolls though, nobody is quite 'everything' and not everyone can be there. not everyone can easily changed, sad, it is. reality bleeds, for real.