hello. is anyone out there? it's dark. cold. and empty. despair.

some few days before 2011

it's been a long hiatus. life took a new turn, turning and turning and turning, not stopping at any point, the distance keeps going farther and farther, away to oblivion. this journey is far from over. sigh.

2010 is really a year worth to remember. with all the fun and happy moments, it closed with my mom's passing. she's in heaven now and in good hands. imagining her in that white shining robe and a golden halo hovering her head, not forgetting a pair of wings. death, it isn't so bad. beautiful.

yet, the feeling of letting go isn't some easy stuff. although, this emotional sickness is a godly struggle but i don't want to be sad forever. i want to celebrate for her coming to the kingdom of heaven. i bet she's looking down now and smile. i promised her that we'd see each other again in the afterlife. i pledged my promise with a rose in her house box. i ought to be good now.

for those people out there who are suffering from cancer, death is just a path to eternal life. Dying in your Cross of salvation and do have faith in it. it might just be your ticket to the kingdom of God, as promised.

love your mom coz when she's gone.. blood tears won't mean anything.

hey

it's been awhile since i last dropped my present here. kinda like 2 months ago.

i developed into a more darker person since, i guess. while life got plunged into a chaotic stage and thanks to everyday's thoughts, heavy as fuk, burden of a thousand tons hammer, life is a continuous unhappy story.

hiatus, yes, but tragedies aren't stopping at any point, you see, yet raging unstoppable, piercing all the way through illness to financial to mass failures. simply a winning disaster.

you make me so unhappy ohhh life ohh life. you keep love to yourself ohh life ohh life. makes me want to put it in a song ohh life ohh. you treat me harsh ohh life ohh life


so unfair, i say.

discrimination of height

so i woke early this morning full spirited and a strong will to secure an interview slot for a federal job. i have put a lot of effort, time and of course the money, since the beginning of the year just for this one shot. i even put on a diet just to lighten my body for a 2.4km morning run.

what happened was..these dudes from semenanjung were taking charge on the examination. so no sabahan examiner for the physical tests, meaning, no cheating whatsoever..or like always, ada tolong-tolong sikit la.

just imagine, i've been suffering, forcing my brain to read a 600+ pages book reading a lot of bullshits for a whole damn week just to get through the first stage and suddenly this dude was saying things like ok no compromise to anything regarding on the physical figures. no means no and fail u go. i was like holly shit. u know, most of us sabahan are born short, including me. so one by one got knocked out from the hall. i was short of a tiny bit of CMs and i got fucked up.

my question is, what if all the smart people in malaysia are short ones, what'd become to the nation? this is a broad daylight discrimination, of fucked up people who are playing a smart ass.

as if i wish to be born a short. come on. use the brain la, the brain.

sabah punya matter pun mau orang lain yang handle.. come on la. nda juga pandai habis2 tu PTI.

wake up la oii.

dont be so rude la...aiyoo

and it's fasting season again and hari raya is around the corner..lai lai angpau.

anyway, i was at the bank, of our own LOCAL bank and yeah, i know it's fasting season and most of them bankers are tired and hungry or whatever but come on, serve your customers rightfully.

i was doing some cash deposit with 6 different names on my bank-in slips and this fellow at the counter was asking me blindly why do i have 6 when i only have 5 account books. i was like .. oh my gawd, look at the names!!! don't just questioning me machine-gun-like when it's your job to keep it in checked. i don't like your attitude. rude. i don't see why he need to question me rudely as if fasting approves you to act like one. end with chapter 1.

now it's chapter 2.

there was an old Chinese guy standing behind me at the counter just now. one'd know at first glance that this elder is the kind of random people you don't usually see doing business at the bank. he was waiting for his turn queue-ing behind me holding his faded yellowish account book, he looked so out of place. he was mumbling and i overheard the word 'mau cek balance'.

i guess fasting really make some people a lazy idiot. this dude on the counter, he rather do the ribbons to make flowers rather than entertain this old man. it kinda made a tiny bit of my blood boiled. the old man just wanted to update his book, for God's sake. come on, do your free pahala la wei. so later on he took the book and start questioning. so the old man asked for an update and another bit of my blood boiled by the reply, "baru saja update ni". aiyoooo just update la the book when people asked for an update. you SHOULD know by then that this old man was waiting in hope for a transfered cash la! why so idiot la these people.

"ada masuk rm450"...some more of my blood boiled when he told the old man while looking at some other place. kau ingat tu orang papan playwood ka. look at him la while talking, bastard. i accidentally saw the amount of money in the book and yeah enough to survive until the end of the month, i guess. so i look at the old man, he was like standing there blurred so i know he wanted to widraw the money. i guess the dude knew the old man's intention and he ran off from the counter. kurang asam!!!

"pssstt.. psttt" .. the old man waved at the guy saying he wanted to widraw RM100. so he gave the slip and went off again. the old man was again blurred, didn't know what to do. i was dealing with another teller and was just about to teach the elder what to do when the dude came again pointing 'write ur name here',' ic here', 'amount here', 'sain'. i was just about to erupt with anger, thanks to the rudeness of people during fasting. don't be so rude to people who know nothing about everything. teach him to fish and he shall go fishing the next day, by himself!

so im off to keningau now. gonna be a boring 2 hours drive..yet, again.

jangan tinggal daku

such a beautiful piece. all time favorite. not lying.

denying their super egos

it's a good feeling to deny someone else's super ego without saying a word, just by choosing the opposite opponent of a football match lol. it's a very very nice feeling, i must admit. i somehow made good choices during this world cup campaign, to crush everyone's concrete ego to ground flat.

everyone seems to know everything even before the match is on. as if everyone's now, each one of them is given a pair of GOD's eyes to be able to see every wrong and right off the teams i am siding JUST because i choose an opponent side.

I've never been an England die hard fan, not even once. i really hope they won't qualify into the second round. that will surely silent most of the noisy hu ha hu ha posers haha.

i don't mind at first but the more the matches are played, the more dumb superiority they are showing. the thing is, most of the time they were wrong about it but to show them the idea of having my own support means i have to get through a series of egoism-superiority bombardment. though, it's only a friendship rivalry, this is still a self-exile.

kacang perisa ayam

brings back old memoria



3 decades and beyond, it remains the same.

foul intention

envy and jealousy are two different things but they carry the same disastrous event to one another. not that i didn't see it coming but i've always knew that things will get cocky like that. people won't admit it but you can always see of their self portrait of not so good intention, indirectly, without his or her awareness. the things is, how could you stop him or her from doing so? no idea. it will only cause a pale future of misunderstanding and harsh acceptance.

you and me and the world of man

everyone is childish because you and me, we're just boys and girls living in the world of man. a world meant for us to not to understand each others well. in general.

the pouring rain

...and it rains again today. the atmosphere turns from gloomy to sleepy and silent, only to be cracked by the music, a Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple, from the pink classic Ipod, piercing through the chill and into my pair of ears. suicidal tendency projected by the mix emotion of life, as the rain pours down heavily, it reminds me of a never ending tears. a heavy disturbance for a sentimentalist.

bunga paling besar?

saya pun baru tau ni masa kaamatan di tambunan. i went there with a bunch of friends and were having fun drinking lihing and all. my friend, he told us that our beloved refflesia isn't the biggest anymore, suda turun pangkat. kalau bunga refflesia tu besar and bebau, ni bunga satu kali kembang semua orang takut.

kami pun macam .. wow betul ka nda ohhh. ada lagi ka bunga lagi besar dari refflesia???

konfiden lagi dia menjawab ni, "ADA!!!! itu bunga Along..satu kali pinjam aa terus besar itu bunga susah mau turun. bikin takut.".

punya la ... WTF!!! hahaha

bengong.

kopivosian mr. Prime minister najib

dear mr. prime minister of malaysia,
i have a postcard for you. a lot, actually. enjoy whichever suits your liking, have a great view of this.

power to the people: rebel with a cause.










you're planing to give us sabahan tons of hazardous smoke.
well, at least semenanjung gets the Nuclear power plant, eh? habis la hilang satu semenanjung.
why go backwards to old school destructing techs while other countries are dying to go green?

so pandai la... pandai2 jadi bodoh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
to those who have the time to send this guy the greeting postcards, more info for you.

This is a Postcard Project to our dear Prime Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Najib Tun Abdul Razak.

USE THE POSTCARD TO TELL HIM THE PEOPLE OF SABAH LOVE THEIR ENVIRONMENT AND DO NOT WANT A COAL-FIRED POWER PLANT IN SABAH.


1. Please grab this photo onto your desktop
2. Put it on a thumbdrive
3. take it to a photo printing shop
4. Print as many as you can
5. kau kau stick the photo on a piece of cardboard
6. write your message to our dear PM on the back of the photo - on the cardboard
7. Don't forget to leave space for the address and stamp
8. Address the letter to the Prime Minister (details below)
9. Put a stamp on it.
10. Post your postcard
11. Bully all your friends, class mates, colleagues, family members to do the same thing please.
12. Everyone LOVES getting postcards.

'Kopivosian' in the Kadazandusun language of Sabah means: 'Greetings' or 'Salam Sejahtera'
'Kotohuadan' in the Kadazandusun language of Sabah means: 'Thank you'.

- Don't be excessively rude cause that's not nice.
- Do use your own language to write to him. He can find a translator & learn some Sabah languages. 1Malaysia bah.


Here is the PM's mailing address at his office in Putrajaya:

Mailing Address
Office of The Prime Minister,
Main Block, Perdana Putra Building,
Federal Government Administrative Centre,
62502 Putrajaya, MALAYSIA

Tel : 603-8888 8000
Fax : 603-8888 3444

Please feel free to phone or fax him or his office if you feel moved to do so.


On 31 October 2009, in Kuala Lumpur, in his keynote address at Tenaga Nasional Berhad’s (TNB's) 60th anniversary celebration, our dear PM said:

“…The government needs to revise its energy policy, ..the current one [is] obsolete and in need of a revamp… was proven to be costly, both environmentally and financially.

“I don’t like the current energy policy. It’s not right,” he told some 1,500 TNB workers attending the event.

“…coal is what we call DIRTY technology, it’s NOT environmentally friendly,”


Do remind him of his own wise words.

USE THE POSTCARD TO TELL THE PRIME MINISTER THE PEOPLE OF SABAH LOVE THEIR ENVIRONMENT AND DO NOT WANT A COAL-FIRED POWER PLANT IN SABAH.

PLEASE TAKE THIS PHOTO + ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE AND ADD THIS TO YOUR OWN FB.
THERE IS NO COPYRIGHT
THIS BELONGS TO ALL CONCERNED EARTHLINGS.
DON'T BE SHY.
MAKE A STAND.

NO TO COAL IN SABAH
POWER TO THE PEOPLE
FIX THE GRID

This is a GLOBAL CAMPAIGN because it affects a GLOBALLY OUTSTANDING site therefore requires GLOBAL RESPONSIBILITY to protect it! You from other countries are SO IMPORTANT to us to help stop this coal-fired power plant in our Sabah. Please just do your thing, take hold of the campaign for yourself and spread the word! Kotohuadan from the peoples of Sabah! & do come visit. We're nice & we have gorgeous special places to visit: http://www.sabahtourism.com/sabah-malaysian-borneo/en/home/

box shaped mirror glass

when i was still a pure minded lil' kid 20 years ago, while living a carefree life style and having not even a single sense of distress in mind, life really is a butterfly.

the old Liawan river bank was a garden of butterflies, with all the greens and flowers, and the old aging trees. misty morning delivered the chilling breeze and coldness, white and thin like every other days. the flowers bloomed and drops of water from the leaves wetting the ground, was really a good feeling. soon, an army of butterflies came flocking to every blooming colours while the sweet flavoring smell pierced into the nostrils.

20 yrs later, life is no more the butterfly, as what it was back then, still a butterfly but no more the carefree but a surviving one. lost in every direction while living in a concrete jungle, no so much honey to depend on. little less enough just to survive.

life's a metaphor. sometimes we fly high, and most of the time we fly down below. only the fittest stay strong, they say, but are caught by bigger preys. so i won't decide nor do i claiming a side, life is somewhat just.

walking on the stairs of life is like a butterfly caught in a boxed shaped glass. people enjoy watching you grow and changing beautifully, while you're still trapped inside and struggling, wishing for a way out or someone to save you from that misery.

so long have we acknowledged this, but we're still denying it. same goes to me. looking through the box shaped mirror glass, seeing your reflection while enjoying the butterfly inside, what do you see?

you and me, and everyone else. no?

someone, please save me ...

deja-vu dreaming?

if insomnia is a mean of having difficulty to sleep then what would one calls for having dreams that seem as real and having the ability to think in deep sleep? is it still considered as a nightmare or a disease of which i haven't came across with before.. definitely not a new one but the kind of a rare occurrence? it not that 'rare' anymore if kinda experienced this almost every night, no?

it felt almost like a deja-vu dreaming of things which occurred and will occur, from time to time. as if i have experienced some in real life but vastly forgotten, yet the feeling was really there. made me pondering much after waking up in the middle of my sleep, thinking if i am still in any sort of dream or breathing a real life.

the scary thing about this is that i always come across with the people i knew in my present time and some of the past, interacting with them in my dreams as usual. As if i am living in two different worlds with the same people around just sometimes being a little different in their characteristics of which i kinda like more than the real thing. hah!

should they become my reality, they will still be like a dream. though, it strange and bizarre but it's surreal even to ignore.

just a stupid remark

ohh...and one more thing, i was having my dinner last night, when this Mentor thing was on in the t.v. and all the contestants were giving wishes for their mothers due to 'Mother's day. some were on their tears like waterfall and giving out a lot of emotions...

beh... quit lah with the acting. everyday is a mother's day and not just yesterday, what! come on la. as if the love for the mothers only last for yesterday.

critical mind

yeah, i know, it's monday. nothing much to do but wasting time surfing the net. am waiting for the current ordered stock to arrive and wallaaa....it's gonna be busy, for a while. brain ain't doin' much function, getting dumb by the seconds so i blog to keep it on track, not much but at least am thinking something and hopefully the brain won't get too rusted to think of something to write. here goes.

was invited to join on a trip to Clark, somewhere in the Philippines. it's a boys trip so you know where it might end up. im not interested into the main purpose of the trip but more into the culture, the way people live their lives and all. faces belong in the streets.

was thinking to go but the date was over booked by other BOYS so we are forced to change it to august instead of October. i'm cancelling my seat due to trips clash with my mom's. she's going on a trip to Johor-Singapore with her 'traveling group' consisting of my aunties and co. need to give her the money. i'm a good son :P so sorry guys, just go on without me. not that it matters much but enjoy the trip.. just don't bring back diseases huhu.

that reminds me when i was in Indonesia a few yrs back. so many things happened. people were like ants living in one place with so many people doing whatever they can just to survive, that's harsh life, and the rich just sit around and watch, some were picking up LV begs costing up to millions of millions of Rupies... even billions worth of hand begs in Wisma Jakarta, while others bathing on daily basis at the sewers. if it's not a wake up call then i don't know what's that supposed to mean.

imagine, with the numbers of people we are having here in Sabah and all the jobs provided..how many of us are making money at the end of the month? not much eh. where are all the money go? to the neighboring countries? is it not, when most of the working people are those who trespassed the border lines? speaking of trespassers, seeing on how many immigrants staying here currently, legal or not, we can have a lil' Manila or lil' Jakarta here and there, almost in every district.. why need to travel abroad just to experience the joy?

scary, is it not? to know that they are over populating us locals and the most thing we could do is blaming the higher ups for being a complete ass for not taking any action or whatever mean to counter the matter. i recalled back the song Imagine by the great John Lennon, how many of us really could accept the fact that we need to live side by side with other people regardless of their nationalities, religions, believes, races, skin colours and all? *sarcasm*

Questions. what do you see me in your eyes? what do we see others in our eyes?

sunday rambling

before anything, i'd like to wish all the moms, the moms's moms' and the mom's mom's mom's that i've ever encountered before, wishing you all 'happy mother's day'. keep that good work of shaping your daughters to the very best of the best, i'd be happy to marry one, one day. aha!!

blasting off classic Santana, with all the drums, guitars n piano mixed together in one piece.. what a lovely Sunday, it's a seasonal paradise but who'd cares. a paradise is a paradise, though, the warmth is kinda biting hard like a mofo but what else can one expects on a 'Sun-day', eh?

so i went outside the house enjoying the warm windy atmosphere, though, cloudy but the brightness really hurts. i have my fair share of problem with my vision. it's all good but too bad, some people just don't have the similarity of wavelength and thoughts to have it easy on a Sunday, accelerating their vehicles causing sound pollution by that boom boom klang katung ekzos pipe breaking codes of my patience limitation. come on la weh, no more stress on Sunday.

speaking of stress, it kills. really. not showing any symptom at first but in the end causing so many diseases such as high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, mental disorder, and the list goes on. even without giving away symptoms, it could easily delivers us to the next world with just a snap, mind you. one of the best silent killers, if not the best.

i met a lady last night. she was sitting to someone i knew during the talk, so my guess was that she's the sister of that other lady. my aunt got into a conversation with the her at the end of the talk session and it shocked me to the core when she addressed herself to be the mother of that my customer (the other lady). i hope my eyes didn't deceive me because she really really really do look young maybe in her 30s or 40s at top but since her daughter had been married for years and have been given birth to ... like 4 children or so, my guess she's already hits 60 years old.

i couldn't believe my eyes, seriously. i always heard stories of old people look pretty young at old age but i never saw one before and last night was really an eye opener, to the max. she even look younger that her daughter and not just me, other people were kinda shocked too. she told us that she's a practitioner .. of what kind? i don't know. my guess goes to 'some teaching' of which i don't want to belong to. heh. i rather grow old and aged like everyone else, never indent to defy the curse of aging, not at all.

been switching places to keep up with the warmth and somehow, i ended up in the dining table and it's like heaven here with the cool sensation. it's a new found joy!!! haha.

at around 11, my friend and i hit the streets, again. he wanted to spend some money on a bottle of vodka, sort of. i wasn't into drinking last night but more of an accompany. so i drove him around town to catch a good nest to flock on. we ended up at Hito, listening to good songs by 'Lester n chixs group'. sorry , i don't know the actual name but they are good singers..or, like my friend Sandra always says, they are good SONGERS since they sang other people's songs. watched basketball and baseball matches on ESPN, we talked much how the games were tactically played, which interests me a bit. i like tactical games. it's like playing command and conquer in a real life version excluding the guns and bullets but balls.

we had a couple of beers and the Japanese meat balls with Thai sauce. also a good accompany by the manager, he's quite friendly, having good talks and laughs together with us. my friend and i, were the last 2 customers to walk out Hito, even leaving 2 bottles of Tiger beer for today's football match. the truth is, i'm already tired with all these drinking outings. sigh.

we hit Lido at around 3 last night completing my to-do-list of wanting to eat fried egg. i have 1 weird habit, a bad one if it fits to. even if i don't want to eat, i need to touch the skin of the egg, every night because if i don't, i won't fall asleep. weird. believe it .. or not.

just another weird rambling.

something something..

...and so i am bored.

i went to a convenient store the other day to get my mom the things she wanted to bring on her vacation, well, not practically me buying the stuff but more like standing here and there, and bodyguard-ing her just like any other shopping days. im not the type who goes around surveying items.. i usually get my self a place to sit and wait, and so i did that, again that day.

i saw two dudes standing and staring at the corner like 15 minutes or so, spacing out like stone statues while i was 'bodyguarding' my mom and it really caught my curiosity. so i went there and joined them. off all things i had in mind, they never came across to the actual answer to what was going on.

they stood there stagnantly while comparing prices of each soap, battling with so many brands and numbers of soaps. i was like .. gila. so i went and got me a bench and continued spying them for afar.

it's kinda bit crazy to do such thing but then when i think about it a little...damn, i can't remember when was the first time i bought a soap off my own hard earning money but things getting pretty much expensive, these days. some are really really, extremely expensive. really a harsh time to be living in, eh.

really an old fashion move. more or less, it's a must.

a lot of things are considered a necessity nowadays and they really drag people to spend more money and some, end up in a so called 'self poverty'. Addiction to daily doses of internet, phone calls, SMSes, MMSes, etc. this, little by little, leaching out so much money from our pockets, unnoticed. while some people gaining a lot of money from their business providing this new-found-joy, most people stare prices to keep surviving.

school bus driver

so i was driving to lintas from luyang and took short cuts along the way. i managed to skip traffic jams and when i was just about to get to the main road from a busy t-junction, there was a school bus, suddenly skip through the heavy line of cars intercepting everyone. mind you, she drove like there were no cars coming from ahead. i was like.... woaaa gila ni driver. laju lagi tu.

yeah, of course, everyone was chasing time but come on la, have a bit concern for the children. gila. devils playing with other people's lives, those kids who knows nothing about road accidents and seat belts, as IF there are seat belts provided in a typical school bus. it makes me a bit angry and ruin a portion of my day, seriously.

it hits the back of my head and shivers a goose bump. down in memory line, there was once a maniac school bus driver in my hometown who drives a kamikaze-like just to catch time. a delinquent amongst school bus drivers, he was. it's fated i guess that one day to fail to hit the brakes on time and banged a couple of school children. sad, how the world turns.

...and i thought i was about to see another sad incident happening in my present. duh.