meja 9 : walking in a circle...between crossroads part.2

some few days before 2011

2010-12-20T23:09:00.000-08:00

it's been a long hiatus. life took a new turn, turning and turning and turning, not stopping at any point, the distance keeps going farther and farther, away to oblivion. this journey is far from over. sigh.

2010 is really a year worth to remember. with all the fun and happy moments, it closed with my mom's passing. she's in heaven now and in good hands. imagining her in that white shining robe and a golden halo hovering her head, not forgetting a pair of wings. death, it isn't so bad. beautiful.

yet, the feeling of letting go isn't some easy stuff. although, this emotional sickness is a godly struggle but i don't want to be sad forever. i want to celebrate for her coming to the kingdom of heaven. i bet she's looking down now and smile. i promised her that we'd see each other again in the afterlife. i pledged my promise with a rose in her house box. i ought to be good now.

for those people out there who are suffering from cancer, death is just a path to eternal life. Dying in your Cross of salvation and do have faith in it. it might just be your ticket to the kingdom of God, as promised.

love your mom coz when she's gone.. blood tears won't mean anything.

hey

2010-10-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile since i last dropped my present here. kinda like 2 months ago.

i developed into a more darker person since, i guess. while life got plunged into a chaotic stage and thanks to everyday's thoughts, heavy as fuk, burden of a thousand tons hammer, life is a continuous unhappy story.

hiatus, yes, but tragedies aren't stopping at any point, you see, yet raging unstoppable, piercing all the way through illness to financial to mass failures. simply a winning disaster.

you make me so unhappy ohhh life ohh life. you keep love to yourself ohh life ohh life. makes me want to put it in a song ohh life ohh. you treat me harsh ohh life ohh life

so unfair, i say.

discrimination of height

2010-08-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

so i woke early this morning full spirited and a strong will to secure an interview slot for a federal job. i have put a lot of effort, time and of course the money, since the beginning of the year just for this one shot. i even put on a diet just to lighten my body for a 2.4km morning run.

what happened was..these dudes from semenanjung were taking charge on the examination. so no sabahan examiner for the physical tests, meaning, no cheating whatsoever..or like always, ada tolong-tolong sikit la.

just imagine, i've been suffering, forcing my brain to read a 600+ pages book reading a lot of bullshits for a whole damn week just to get through the first stage and suddenly this dude was saying things like ok no compromise to anything regarding on the physical figures. no means no and fail u go. i was like holly shit. u know, most of us sabahan are born short, including me. so one by one got knocked out from the hall. i was short of a tiny bit of CMs and i got fucked up.

my question is, what if all the smart people in malaysia are short ones, what'd become to the nation? this is a broad daylight discrimination, of fucked up people who are playing a smart ass.

as if i wish to be born a short. come on. use the brain la, the brain.

sabah punya matter pun mau orang lain yang handle.. come on la. nda juga pandai habis2 tu PTI.

wake up la oii.

dont be so rude la...aiyoo

2010-08-20T00:46:00.000-07:00

and it's fasting season again and hari raya is around the corner..lai lai angpau.

anyway, i was at the bank, of our own LOCAL bank and yeah, i know it's fasting season and most of them bankers are tired and hungry or whatever but come on, serve your customers rightfully.

i was doing some cash deposit with 6 different names on my bank-in slips and this fellow at the counter was asking me blindly why do i have 6 when i only have 5 account books. i was like .. oh my gawd, look at the names!!! don't just questioning me machine-gun-like when it's your job to keep it in checked. i don't like your attitude. rude. i don't see why he need to question me rudely as if fasting approves you to act like one. end with chapter 1.

now it's chapter 2.

there was an old Chinese guy standing behind me at the counter just now. one'd know at first glance that this elder is the kind of random people you don't usually see doing business at the bank. he was waiting for his turn queue-ing behind me holding his faded yellowish account book, he looked so out of place. he was mumbling and i overheard the word 'mau cek balance'.

i guess fasting really make some people a lazy idiot. this dude on the counter, he rather do the ribbons to make flowers rather than entertain this old man. it kinda made a tiny bit of my blood boiled. the old man just wanted to update his book, for God's sake. come on, do your free pahala la wei. so later on he took the book and start questioning. so the old man asked for an update and another bit of my blood boiled by the reply, "baru saja update ni". aiyoooo just update la the book when people asked for an update. you SHOULD know by then that this old man was waiting in hope for a transfered cash la! why so idiot la these people.

"ada masuk rm450"...some more of my blood boiled when he told the old man while looking at some other place. kau ingat tu orang papan playwood ka. look at him la while talking, bastard. i accidentally saw the amount of money in the book and yeah enough to survive until the end of the month, i guess. so i look at the old man, he was like standing there blurred so i know he wanted to widraw the money. i guess the dude knew the old man's intention and he ran off from the counter. kurang asam!!!

"pssstt.. psttt" .. the old man waved at the guy saying he wanted to widraw RM100. so he gave the slip and went off again. the old man was again blurred, didn't know what to do. i was dealing with another teller and was just about to teach the elder what to do when the dude came again pointing 'write ur name here',' ic here', 'amount here', 'sain'. i was just about to erupt with anger, thanks to the rudeness of people during fasting. don't be so rude to people who know nothing about everything. teach him to fish and he shall go fishing the next day, by himself!

so im off to keningau now. gonna be a boring 2 hours drive..yet, again.

jangan tinggal daku

2010-06-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

such a beautiful piece. all time favorite. not lying.

denying their super egos

2010-06-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

it's a good feeling to deny someone else's super ego without saying a word, just by choosing the opposite opponent of a football match lol. it's a very very nice feeling, i must admit. i somehow made good choices during this world cup campaign, to crush everyone's concrete ego to ground flat.

everyone seems to know everything even before the match is on. as if everyone's now, each one of them is given a pair of GOD's eyes to be able to see every wrong and right off the teams i am siding JUST because i choose an opponent side.

I've never been an England die hard fan, not even once. i really hope they won't qualify into the second round. that will surely silent most of the noisy hu ha hu ha posers haha.

i don't mind at first but the more the matches are played, the more dumb superiority they are showing. the thing is, most of the time they were wrong about it but to show them the idea of having my own support means i have to get through a series of egoism-superiority bombardment. though, it's only a friendship rivalry, this is still a self-exile.

kacang perisa ayam

2010-06-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

brings back old memoria

3 decades and beyond, it remains the same.

foul intention

2010-06-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

envy and jealousy are two different things but they carry the same disastrous event to one another. not that i didn't see it coming but i've always knew that things will get cocky like that. people won't admit it but you can always see of their self portrait of not so good intention, indirectly, without his or her awareness. the things is, how could you stop him or her from doing so? no idea. it will only cause a pale future of misunderstanding and harsh acceptance.

you and me and the world of man

2010-06-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

everyone is childish because you and me, we're just boys and girls living in the world of man. a world meant for us to not to understand each others well. in general.

the pouring rain

2010-06-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

...and it rains again today. the atmosphere turns from gloomy to sleepy and silent, only to be cracked by the music, a Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple, from the pink classic Ipod, piercing through the chill and into my pair of ears. suicidal tendency projected by the mix emotion of life, as the rain pours down heavily, it reminds me of a never ending tears. a heavy disturbance for a sentimentalist.

bunga paling besar?

2010-05-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

saya pun baru tau ni masa kaamatan di tambunan. i went there with a bunch of friends and were having fun drinking lihing and all. my friend, he told us that our beloved refflesia isn't the biggest anymore, suda turun pangkat. kalau bunga refflesia tu besar and bebau, ni bunga satu kali kembang semua orang takut.

kami pun macam .. wow betul ka nda ohhh. ada lagi ka bunga lagi besar dari refflesia???

konfiden lagi dia menjawab ni, "ADA!!!! itu bunga Along..satu kali pinjam aa terus besar itu bunga susah mau turun. bikin takut.".

punya la ... WTF!!! hahaha

bengong.

kopivosian mr. Prime minister najib

2010-05-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

dear mr. prime minister of malaysia,
i have a postcard for you. a lot, actually. enjoy whichever suits your liking, have a great view of this.

power to the people: rebel with a cause.

you're planing to give us sabahan tons of hazardous smoke.
well, at least semenanjung gets the Nuclear power plant, eh? habis la hilang satu semenanjung.
why go backwards to old school destructing techs while other countries are dying to go green?

so pandai la... pandai2 jadi bodoh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
to those who have the time to send this guy the greeting postcards, more info for you.

This is a Postcard Project to our dear Prime Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Najib Tun Abdul Razak.

USE THE POSTCARD TO TELL HIM THE PEOPLE OF SABAH LOVE THEIR ENVIRONMENT AND DO NOT WANT A COAL-FIRED POWER PLANT IN SABAH.

1. Please grab this photo onto your desktop
2. Put it on a thumbdrive
3. take it to a photo printing shop
4. Print as many as you can
5. kau kau stick the photo on a piece of cardboard
6. write your message to our dear PM on the back of the photo - on the cardboard
7. Don't forget to leave space for the address and stamp
8. Address the letter to the Prime Minister (details below)
9. Put a stamp on it.
10. Post your postcard
11. Bully all your friends, class mates, colleagues, family members to do the same thing please.
12. Everyone LOVES getting postcards.

'Kopivosian' in the Kadazandusun language of Sabah means: 'Greetings' or 'Salam Sejahtera'
'Kotohuadan' in the Kadazandusun language of Sabah means: 'Thank you'.

- Don't be excessively rude cause that's not nice.
- Do use your own language to write to him. He can find a translator & learn some Sabah languages. 1Malaysia bah.

Here is the PM's mailing address at his office in Putrajaya:

Mailing Address
Office of The Prime Minister,
Main Block, Perdana Putra Building,
Federal Government Administrative Centre,
62502 Putrajaya, MALAYSIA

Tel : 603-8888 8000
Fax : 603-8888 3444

Please feel free to phone or fax him or his office if you feel moved to do so.

On 31 October 2009, in Kuala Lumpur, in his keynote address at Tenaga Nasional Berhad’s (TNB's) 60th anniversary celebration, our dear PM said:

“…The government needs to revise its energy policy, ..the current one [is] obsolete and in need of a revamp… was proven to be costly, both environmentally and financially.

“I don’t like the current energy policy. It’s not right,” he told some 1,500 TNB workers attending the event.

“…coal is what we call DIRTY technology, it’s NOT environmentally friendly,”

Do remind him of his own wise words.

USE THE POSTCARD TO TELL THE PRIME MINISTER THE PEOPLE OF SABAH LOVE THEIR ENVIRONMENT AND DO NOT WANT A COAL-FIRED POWER PLANT IN SABAH.

PLEASE TAKE THIS PHOTO + ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS ABOVE AND ADD THIS TO YOUR OWN FB.
THERE IS NO COPYRIGHT
THIS BELONGS TO ALL CONCERNED EARTHLINGS.
DON'T BE SHY.
MAKE A STAND.

NO TO COAL IN SABAH
POWER TO THE PEOPLE
FIX THE GRID

This is a GLOBAL CAMPAIGN because it affects a GLOBALLY OUTSTANDING site therefore requires GLOBAL RESPONSIBILITY to protect it! You from other countries are SO IMPORTANT to us to help stop this coal-fired power plant in our Sabah. Please just do your thing, take hold of the campaign for yourself and spread the word! Kotohuadan from the peoples of Sabah! & do come visit. We're nice & we have gorgeous special places to visit: http://www.sabahtourism.com/sabah-malaysian-borneo/en/home/

box shaped mirror glass

2010-05-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

when i was still a pure minded lil' kid 20 years ago, while living a carefree life style and having not even a single sense of distress in mind, life really is a butterfly.

the old Liawan river bank was a garden of butterflies, with all the greens and flowers, and the old aging trees. misty morning delivered the chilling breeze and coldness, white and thin like every other days. the flowers bloomed and drops of water from the leaves wetting the ground, was really a good feeling. soon, an army of butterflies came flocking to every blooming colours while the sweet flavoring smell pierced into the nostrils.

20 yrs later, life is no more the butterfly, as what it was back then, still a butterfly but no more the carefree but a surviving one. lost in every direction while living in a concrete jungle, no so much honey to depend on. little less enough just to survive.

life's a metaphor. sometimes we fly high, and most of the time we fly down below. only the fittest stay strong, they say, but are caught by bigger preys. so i won't decide nor do i claiming a side, life is somewhat just.

walking on the stairs of life is like a butterfly caught in a boxed shaped glass. people enjoy watching you grow and changing beautifully, while you're still trapped inside and struggling, wishing for a way out or someone to save you from that misery.

so long have we acknowledged this, but we're still denying it. same goes to me. looking through the box shaped mirror glass, seeing your reflection while enjoying the butterfly inside, what do you see?

you and me, and everyone else. no?

someone, please save me ...

deja-vu dreaming?

2010-05-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

if insomnia is a mean of having difficulty to sleep then what would one calls for having dreams that seem as real and having the ability to think in deep sleep? is it still considered as a nightmare or a disease of which i haven't came across with before.. definitely not a new one but the kind of a rare occurrence? it not that 'rare' anymore if kinda experienced this almost every night, no?

it felt almost like a deja-vu dreaming of things which occurred and will occur, from time to time. as if i have experienced some in real life but vastly forgotten, yet the feeling was really there. made me pondering much after waking up in the middle of my sleep, thinking if i am still in any sort of dream or breathing a real life.

the scary thing about this is that i always come across with the people i knew in my present time and some of the past, interacting with them in my dreams as usual. As if i am living in two different worlds with the same people around just sometimes being a little different in their characteristics of which i kinda like more than the real thing. hah!

should they become my reality, they will still be like a dream. though, it strange and bizarre but it's surreal even to ignore.

just a stupid remark

2010-05-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

ohh...and one more thing, i was having my dinner last night, when this Mentor thing was on in the t.v. and all the contestants were giving wishes for their mothers due to 'Mother's day. some were on their tears like waterfall and giving out a lot of emotions...

beh... quit lah with the acting. everyday is a mother's day and not just yesterday, what! come on la. as if the love for the mothers only last for yesterday.

critical mind

2010-05-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

yeah, i know, it's monday. nothing much to do but wasting time surfing the net. am waiting for the current ordered stock to arrive and wallaaa....it's gonna be busy, for a while. brain ain't doin' much function, getting dumb by the seconds so i blog to keep it on track, not much but at least am thinking something and hopefully the brain won't get too rusted to think of something to write. here goes.

was invited to join on a trip to Clark, somewhere in the Philippines. it's a boys trip so you know where it might end up. im not interested into the main purpose of the trip but more into the culture, the way people live their lives and all. faces belong in the streets.

was thinking to go but the date was over booked by other BOYS so we are forced to change it to august instead of October. i'm cancelling my seat due to trips clash with my mom's. she's going on a trip to Johor-Singapore with her 'traveling group' consisting of my aunties and co. need to give her the money. i'm a good son :P so sorry guys, just go on without me. not that it matters much but enjoy the trip.. just don't bring back diseases huhu.

that reminds me when i was in Indonesia a few yrs back. so many things happened. people were like ants living in one place with so many people doing whatever they can just to survive, that's harsh life, and the rich just sit around and watch, some were picking up LV begs costing up to millions of millions of Rupies... even billions worth of hand begs in Wisma Jakarta, while others bathing on daily basis at the sewers. if it's not a wake up call then i don't know what's that supposed to mean.

imagine, with the numbers of people we are having here in Sabah and all the jobs provided..how many of us are making money at the end of the month? not much eh. where are all the money go? to the neighboring countries? is it not, when most of the working people are those who trespassed the border lines? speaking of trespassers, seeing on how many immigrants staying here currently, legal or not, we can have a lil' Manila or lil' Jakarta here and there, almost in every district.. why need to travel abroad just to experience the joy?

scary, is it not? to know that they are over populating us locals and the most thing we could do is blaming the higher ups for being a complete ass for not taking any action or whatever mean to counter the matter. i recalled back the song Imagine by the great John Lennon, how many of us really could accept the fact that we need to live side by side with other people regardless of their nationalities, religions, believes, races, skin colours and all? *sarcasm*

Questions. what do you see me in your eyes? what do we see others in our eyes?

sunday rambling

2010-05-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

before anything, i'd like to wish all the moms, the moms's moms' and the mom's mom's mom's that i've ever encountered before, wishing you all 'happy mother's day'. keep that good work of shaping your daughters to the very best of the best, i'd be happy to marry one, one day. aha!!

blasting off classic Santana, with all the drums, guitars n piano mixed together in one piece.. what a lovely Sunday, it's a seasonal paradise but who'd cares. a paradise is a paradise, though, the warmth is kinda biting hard like a mofo but what else can one expects on a 'Sun-day', eh?

so i went outside the house enjoying the warm windy atmosphere, though, cloudy but the brightness really hurts. i have my fair share of problem with my vision. it's all good but too bad, some people just don't have the similarity of wavelength and thoughts to have it easy on a Sunday, accelerating their vehicles causing sound pollution by that boom boom klang katung ekzos pipe breaking codes of my patience limitation. come on la weh, no more stress on Sunday.

speaking of stress, it kills. really. not showing any symptom at first but in the end causing so many diseases such as high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, mental disorder, and the list goes on. even without giving away symptoms, it could easily delivers us to the next world with just a snap, mind you. one of the best silent killers, if not the best.

i met a lady last night. she was sitting to someone i knew during the talk, so my guess was that she's the sister of that other lady. my aunt got into a conversation with the her at the end of the talk session and it shocked me to the core when she addressed herself to be the mother of that my customer (the other lady). i hope my eyes didn't deceive me because she really really really do look young maybe in her 30s or 40s at top but since her daughter had been married for years and have been given birth to ... like 4 children or so, my guess she's already hits 60 years old.

i couldn't believe my eyes, seriously. i always heard stories of old people look pretty young at old age but i never saw one before and last night was really an eye opener, to the max. she even look younger that her daughter and not just me, other people were kinda shocked too. she told us that she's a practitioner .. of what kind? i don't know. my guess goes to 'some teaching' of which i don't want to belong to. heh. i rather grow old and aged like everyone else, never indent to defy the curse of aging, not at all.

been switching places to keep up with the warmth and somehow, i ended up in the dining table and it's like heaven here with the cool sensation. it's a new found joy!!! haha.

at around 11, my friend and i hit the streets, again. he wanted to spend some money on a bottle of vodka, sort of. i wasn't into drinking last night but more of an accompany. so i drove him around town to catch a good nest to flock on. we ended up at Hito, listening to good songs by 'Lester n chixs group'. sorry , i don't know the actual name but they are good singers..or, like my friend Sandra always says, they are good SONGERS since they sang other people's songs. watched basketball and baseball matches on ESPN, we talked much how the games were tactically played, which interests me a bit. i like tactical games. it's like playing command and conquer in a real life version excluding the guns and bullets but balls.

we had a couple of beers and the Japanese meat balls with Thai sauce. also a good accompany by the manager, he's quite friendly, having good talks and laughs together with us. my friend and i, were the last 2 customers to walk out Hito, even leaving 2 bottles of Tiger beer for today's football match. the truth is, i'm already tired with all these drinking outings. sigh.

we hit Lido at around 3 last night completing my to-do-list of wanting to eat fried egg. i have 1 weird habit, a bad one if it fits to. even if i don't want to eat, i need to touch the skin of the egg, every night because if i don't, i won't fall asleep. weird. believe it .. or not.

just another weird rambling.

something something..

2010-05-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

...and so i am bored.

i went to a convenient store the other day to get my mom the things she wanted to bring on her vacation, well, not practically me buying the stuff but more like standing here and there, and bodyguard-ing her just like any other shopping days. im not the type who goes around surveying items.. i usually get my self a place to sit and wait, and so i did that, again that day.

i saw two dudes standing and staring at the corner like 15 minutes or so, spacing out like stone statues while i was 'bodyguarding' my mom and it really caught my curiosity. so i went there and joined them. off all things i had in mind, they never came across to the actual answer to what was going on.

they stood there stagnantly while comparing prices of each soap, battling with so many brands and numbers of soaps. i was like .. gila. so i went and got me a bench and continued spying them for afar.

it's kinda bit crazy to do such thing but then when i think about it a little...damn, i can't remember when was the first time i bought a soap off my own hard earning money but things getting pretty much expensive, these days. some are really really, extremely expensive. really a harsh time to be living in, eh.

really an old fashion move. more or less, it's a must.

a lot of things are considered a necessity nowadays and they really drag people to spend more money and some, end up in a so called 'self poverty'. Addiction to daily doses of internet, phone calls, SMSes, MMSes, etc. this, little by little, leaching out so much money from our pockets, unnoticed. while some people gaining a lot of money from their business providing this new-found-joy, most people stare prices to keep surviving.

school bus driver

2010-04-29T23:08:00.001-07:00

so i was driving to lintas from luyang and took short cuts along the way. i managed to skip traffic jams and when i was just about to get to the main road from a busy t-junction, there was a school bus, suddenly skip through the heavy line of cars intercepting everyone. mind you, she drove like there were no cars coming from ahead. i was like.... woaaa gila ni driver. laju lagi tu.

yeah, of course, everyone was chasing time but come on la, have a bit concern for the children. gila. devils playing with other people's lives, those kids who knows nothing about road accidents and seat belts, as IF there are seat belts provided in a typical school bus. it makes me a bit angry and ruin a portion of my day, seriously.

it hits the back of my head and shivers a goose bump. down in memory line, there was once a maniac school bus driver in my hometown who drives a kamikaze-like just to catch time. a delinquent amongst school bus drivers, he was. it's fated i guess that one day to fail to hit the brakes on time and banged a couple of school children. sad, how the world turns.

...and i thought i was about to see another sad incident happening in my present. duh.

rambling

2010-04-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

it's 3.18 in the morning and im still awake and alive. im feeling sleepy alright but dreamland wont accept my present, just yet. i've been trying to get access since midnight but the brain wont stop to work out hard, projecting thoughts, thoughts of which we usually dub as happiness. i wish things are just simple and cool but i am no wise man for a trend setter. people already have their own guidelines... and it's pretty hard to follow, indeed.

it's good to experience to good life sometimes. i bought myself a watch today. i've been wanting to buy one recently, i lost the last one by gaining some fats here and there. yup, getting blotted by the days, i say. it feels nice though, well yeah, i cant afford to pamper myself with cool stuff every now and then. i ain't no rich guy from the block but miracles do happen, eh? i guess HE always pick up dates and channeling em miracles during harsh days just to make it in time for a get through, when the soul is weeping the most, eh? well whatever, Thanks.

i get the feeling that im going to complete my wishlist sooner than i thought. of all the things i want..it's more of a need actually, only two remain. i guess i can pen down new ones coz the remaining 2 aren't easy to get. i played online games before, and these remaining 2 are like the super uber rare things to get huhu but it will come from time to time so i know i'll get em somehow, as long as i don't get lost on the way.

im kinda feel disturbed by my surrounding. there was a guy just now, came to steal mangoes. he was caught red handed. i went to check it out coz there was a loud quarrel and found myself in an idiotic scene. this guy, even when caught red handed, he STILL plucking the fruits off the branches and that got my uncle a bit angry. he was threaten for the police and this guy with no shame telling us that his son is a policeman and has no obligation not to steal the mangoes. i was like .. wtf. why did he need to ruin my Sunday like that. why can't people just play smart and stop this act of stupidity.

sleepy now.. if dreamland wont accept me this time, i'ma knock down the door forcefully gahaha.

confession of the unheard

2010-04-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

here goes my first release under the name Marion Dust. the song was written and recorded together with Christoper Pereira a.k.a Decipher way back in 2006. the lyric was written by Jodane Jodani. well most if it. we invited her to contribute vocal for the song coz she has a sexy tone lol. well enjoy listening.

survey

2010-04-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

i went to Karamunsing yesterday to get some items for my newly 'revived' cpu. need a new LDC monitor and a 1 Gig RAM. Was just getting second hand items since i already have a new mini laptop which looks like a century old, which i don't know what have happened to it lol. anyway, i've learnt my lesson for not doing surveys before getting the goods. i ended up paying more than the actual price. i bought a 500 mb DDR2 RAM for rm95 and nearly spent rm300+ for a second hand monitor.

i had to buy a 'connector' in order to use a specific 'brand' monitor so i went and search for it in a bargain shop where i stumbled with the same DDR2 RAM which i just bought for only rm70 and a pretty decent monitor, which is BETTER, BIGGER and CHEAPER than the previous one. i was like...WTF???!!!!! the shop even have a 1 gb RAM for only rm125!!! i felt cheated, fuk!!!

...and so i bought the monitor from the shop and felt a bit ease. rushed back home and assembled that old pc but the wireless receiver has already broken. so here i go again, hunting for another item. it's troublesome to do surveys but..ngeh.

there are a lot of good things lying around the corner so do surveys before spending some hard earn money on em' good stuff.

demo songs back in 2003 and all the way to 2006

2010-03-23T00:06:00.000-07:00

took the effort to repair my dekstop PC. cost me a few bucks. thanks to a good friend of mine for lending me a hand to actually 're-do' all the hard parts hehe. had to belanja him makan, though. i need to listen back to all my previous songs, written for La Sagos or my bed room project band SilverSoil but i cannot access em due to the CPU malfunction.

thanks to the internet for being a time capsule, allowing me to trace back to some of the sample tracks i used to work on during the sleepless nights.

here's a link to Silversoil random tracks http://www.i-bands.net/audiovault/bands/1659/music.php

check out the bass kicks in natagak lol and also the drumming by adam k. in Percussion Queen.

here's a link to La Sagos 3 first demo http://www.i-bands.net/audiovault/bands/1706/music.php

please don't bother with the singing haha. i wasn't supposed to sing my own songs lol but due to no one was willing to be the voice of the band, so i was forced to take that role huhuhu. it was supposed to be an instrumental band all the way but it somehow changed course.

Away From Me is taken from our 2nd demo record. Deep Voice taken from our 1st demo, recorded in a small recording room back in 2003 and is dedicated to our hometown keningau, thanks for the good memory.

Away From ME (lyrics by sweet p.)

hold my breath as this world starts to take its toll
i hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfold
but oh GOD i feel like i've been lied to
lost all faiths in the things i've achieved

i've woken now to find myself
in the shadow of all i've created
im longing to be lost in you
wont u take me away from me

crawling through this world
as disease flows to my vains
i looked into myself but my own heart has been changed
i cant go on like this
i loathe of i've become
i cant go on like this
take me away from me

lost in a dying world, i reach for something new
i've grown so weary of this life i've live

check out Bleed Alone, man. still sounding so fresh in my ears hahaha. minus the vocal effort lah LMAO!!! ;D

La Sagos was a 3 piece-band.

was thinking to re-record some of the tracks but i need a lot of helps from a lot of people to actually do it. is there anyone willing to lend a hand?

lyrics

2010-03-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

was having a video conference with a friend in K.L talking about music and own stuff. though i have already packed all my gears away, letting em rot and dusted. sealing them away to oblivion (hahaha) but surprisingly, i found the book i used to write my lyrics on, while searching for something else. not expecting to ever saw it again, though.

i spent some years writing songs and lyrics to my previous bands but am not participating with any nowadays, writing taste bitter when i don't have friends to jam with. well whatever, i just want to share some of my own writings back then. fueled with teenage angst mindset, it was. rebelling with no cause.

come visit me (2004)

come down and visit me
desperation is everywhere, come release me

sitting on the edge where every thing is falling
falls down on me
it's hurting me bad
hurting me bad

cradle broken glasses, vision to my self has disappeared
take me away for eternity

sitting on the edge where every thing is falling
falls down on me
it's hurting me bad
huring me bad

give me love

it's invisible, you can't see
but i need you to feel
and it's all i ever have for you
it's my love

come down and save me
come visit me

surfing the air (2004)

nice, it's nice to stay alive
but nothing really meant anything
the deepest sin is what you'd die for

no, no trust to the world
it's getting sicker than sick now
so fast it becomes a disease
and so we are ill

the world is some kind of paranoia
bringing me back an old memoria

we're surfing the air
love for what you see
we're surfing the air

don't, don't judge me for your GOD
long have i believed
i never did you wrong

stand, stand for what is real
it always becomes your reality
and reality is here in your eyes

langit biru (2004)

kabulkan lah mimpi menjadi satu realiti
kau idamkan semuanya di dalam fantasi ini
dunia ini, bayangan wajah sendiri
kau genggam awan tapi ia terlepas pergi

langit biru, sinarkan ku pelangi, biarkan ia mewarnai
kerana hidup ini hanya lah satu realiti yg pasti

kau anggap semuanya milik mu sendiri
sayang, tiada benda yang dapat kau bawa pergi
sinarkan jalan ku, hitam pahit ku tak mengerti
ku genggam awan tapi ia terlepas pergi

ku sedar, dunia ini hanyalah sementara

beautiful mind (2004)

it was a beautiful day, always be remembered
but how am i supposed to know i'll regret in times like these
it's paranoia, everything's crazy
life assure death, as dead as it can be
life's a broken mirror, always is the same
it reflexes all the stains, now i can't see

i wish i could be there with you

not that i don't believe
but the world turns its back on me
all my thoughts, they're burying me alive
(all my dreams, they ain't my reality)

my life's a tragedy, tale of broken promises
how'd you like to be part of me?
sense of trust is dying lately but i think it's okay
i like feeling things better this way
i'm still here and you went ahead but i don't care it anymore

live your live the way you're hating me

awaited day (2003)

cold nights and empty dreams
stepping hollow and all gone away
you stayed in doubt, i'd wonder why
you ran away, ohh, i say please stay

sorry i wasn't there to face you
so many things unclear, made me to forget myself
now that i have lost you but we live for tomorrow
i'll get you, one of these days

days went behind, but i'm still missing you
thanks for every thing you've done
but things seem so still

today, i'm still here watching you
waiting for the day
i know you can't see me here
but my words won't just fade in time

turn ugly (2002)

... and it comes to be a perfect world and all it's creation
and you're beautiful
i know, i know it's you and everything you do
it makes everybody wants you
yeah, yeah i like you but i don't know whether you'd like me too?

but everything is gonna be alright
it's just me and my low life self pretension
you're the savior, you're the angel
and i'm just another worst part of creation

these are some of the lyrics in my early years that never made it for a proper recording. Come Visit Me made it in the second demo record together with Away From Me and Bleed Alone, and became the fuel starter to our trademark of the previous La Sagos' dark sounding and writing skills. tales which were taken from harsh circumstances which certain people went through everyday, every second and for eternity. and also depression.

yeah, i would love to do a performance again, jamming to these songs or others, many more in my catalog. i have plenty to boast around hahaha. i would love to record all my songs, so give me some fund my friends and i'll give u a nice record to listen to :P

positive

2010-03-05T21:24:00.000-08:00

i've been listerning to a bunch of good stuff recently. Had a few quotes stuck in my head. some are really powerful quotes, yes.

"If you get down and you quarrel everyday,

You're saying prayers to the devils, I say."

- Positive Vibration, Bob Marley-

im not 'that' religious nor do i care if anyone even care to understand that quote, but when it comes to the devil, i am sure of one thing, it brings no good vibes, bad deeds all over. it is so beautiful that i can't seem to stop saying it, over and over and over again. seems so magical, it helps me to think consciously and calmly even in bad days, to treat people in a good manner and to see people as human beings who depends entirely on emotion and other people's kindness.

people says when you're too blind to see the dim lights lurked in your darkness, without noticing it, you will lead a campaign to put everyone down and that chain will eventually grow wild, an invitation for other people to take part in it.

when someday you realize the bad deeds done to other people, those fragile lives have already been doomed with scars in which bares your name. it will hurt you until death claims you back, im tellin' ya. the devils play their cards right, crushing 2 hearts in one go.

not that i want to preach of good and evil here, just sharing what i think best for me and maybe, both of you and me, if it ever hit you and your concern. the world might just become less complicated, i guess. maybe, one day we can share and eat warm meal from the same pot together, happily. sharing some love to the world.

diggin' my way back to keningau

2010-02-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

it's a long long way journey back, a 2 hours boredom. arrrrr ... anyone wants a free ride home?

a fair share

2010-02-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

yes, im still alive if anyone ever wondered, just on hiatus mode these days. not that i dont have the time to update this haunted crap site but it's more like "i dont really know what to talk about and how to start anything". with all the 'small serious talks' being done, things started to overflowing, and overpowering. stress is building up exponential, rocketing up high.

all the hu-ha rush is sliding on the fast lane. the thing is, im still shocked and blurred, hard to catch up. everything seems too far from reach. pieces flocking together so fast and thoughts become burdens. nights instead become my nightmares having not the urge to sleep, let alone a good night sleep. my body clock is about to collapse. my 6a.m is now becomes a 6p.m and vice versa, only the days past without ever changing its current daily basis. it's 2.40a.m now and i'm just about to take dinner.

i have a "magical box" in my room where i usually keep some stuff as tokens of remembrance to those years i left behind, more like a time capsule or a diary, some kind of guidance i held onto. yes, i have a very very bad record in keeping my memory intact so i use the box as an alternative method since study years. i took it out last week and took an amount of time to peek everything lies inside.

it scares me when i can't even remember like 70% of the stuff, more or less, my memory. i was like, where was i during those years? and what actually happened? i dont deny that most of my memory slips by from time to time, but this is getting ridiculous now. this is getting sooooooo lame, because i sometimes can't remember something even just by a mere 5 minutes gap. so don't blame me if i cant remember your name, it's not that i intentionally forget you, i am forced to forget. working as a record keeper, this is a nightmare.

red and green packets, got em from my grand elders more than a decade ago. there were times when i don't have any money left to spend for food during my study years but instead of using the money inside the packets, i keep em safe and sound. these are some of the memories i can definitely held on to, when it comes to them. sad though, they all have left for good, leaving me with good luck charms for years to come. and i also found a small envelope filled with a bunch of old rm1, rm5, rm10, and some international currencies. didn't see that coming, though. i was kinda surprise, even more.

i had this letter sent to me with a 'gelang tangan' by... can't remember who hahaha. man, a lot of stuff were sent to me by random senders. guess i quite famous last time eh?? lol

here's another one by a chinese lady, suzane?? one of many key chains i received from time to time.

ok i definitely cannot remember who gave me this haha.

i had a crush with a girl whom nickname is chalot during the old days. we are the best of friends since we were around 13? or 14? i was in a different secondary school. it's funny though, even after a full 11 years of trying to win her heart, she ended marrying a different guy. but i had fun, and so did her, i guess. the best part was the way we keep that relationship fresh by sending a fully hand written of 10 pages letter every week or so. hahaha. a very conservative way of cinta monyet. we did phone calls and SMS but that didn't deliver the addictive fun. distance somehow an enemy when studying in kolompo and the other part stayed just next to the Philippines islands, Sandakan. the relationship was broken when another guy took the best part around 2002 and the picture above speaks the most of the history, it has been an 8 years unsent letter. it was supposed to be a perfect love ending but somehow it's pretty late now. the pic below shows some of the fun chain of letters.

yeah, i dreamt of meeting her in my dream last night. it's been years since our last. she have 2 children now, pretty productive, i say. how time flies so fast. i guess my memory was pretty much concentrated towards her rather than everything i went through the whole two decades haha. love was so much fun back then, the way i went through it, yes. no one ever excite me the way she did, .... just yet.

midnight rambling

2010-01-18T19:14:00.000-08:00

it's midnight now yet bukit bintang refuses to sleep. the blasting shock waves just won't end claiming yet another title, 'a garden city of entertainment'. 'the city of lights' is kinda old now, everyone is staying in a different era. new era of alcohol, drugs and so fort, u know the list, it goes on. well again, it shows. clock strikes whatever hours yet the city wont give up its grand superiority.

just finished watching 'old dogs', myself, escaping the boredom and busy city life. maybe it's just me, but nothing interests me with the on going city rush. or maybe im just tired. let's just put this in a different perspective, well yeah, us, giving some space for the moms to fullfill their shopping desires and worrying not of the whereabouts of their sons and daugter.

nothing to worry about since the one and only chance of us getting lost is by stupidly entering the wrong cinema, which my bet goes to a 99.9% possibility that it will not happen today and of course, it didnt happen, but to say it will never ever happen, there are people fated to fill in that 0.01% error slot, so i might be wrong, sometimes. not everything is perfect nor do i.

had a phone call from the jabatan pendidikan keningau asking me to come and pick up the invitation letter for the 'guru sandaran' interview which will be held in tenom the day after i get back from kolompo. when will this sudden rushes stop. give me some break eh. i didnt get the name of that lady on the phone, not even the name of the venue.

so life seems will surely end up as a teacher huh. grooming kids to fly away, very far away.

kl trip part 4

2010-01-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

hah the fifth day, it's shopping theme today and im sitting in the food court blogging. not just me but a bunch of us, boys. it's just not in our family trend for guys to go shopping, only for the women side. it's already a cult to sit in the food court and wait. yeah, like i still have the money to shop haha.

though, im not the kind to shop but i still escort the buyers haha. my mom and i went to buy some clothes for kids. she went inside the shop and i waited outside, like always. saw these two elders trying to cross the street and guess what, not to boast about it but whenever i saw elders or kids in the middle of the road trying to cross my way, i stopped, but here, if u cannot run as fast as a cat, you're a dead meat. a very barbaric kinda world. everyone is in their own egoism. that's why i came back to sabah for a living. i never like k.l in the first place.

so many people to see and so many faces to decipher. too many things to handle in one shot. me, myself, is kinda out of place here. i kinda like being this odd. seeing things in a different way, i say. though, it's kinda busy at the moment, but still is a sad place to be.

kl trip part 3

2010-01-16T23:03:00.001-08:00

we didn't go for a Jonker walk yet a sun burn is a sun burn, after all. punya panas. the heat really is an enemy, i had to buy another hat. this time it's a ... i don't know the name but still a cool hat. i bought 2 new hats since thursday. given another week here i might open a new shop back in kk selling new hats aha.

speaking of the heat, my uncle joked about it 'kalau putih terus jadi hitam, kalau hitam terus jadi hangus' ahaha. funny quote. so we went for a cendol, durian flavored cendol. fuhhh manissss. how malacca folks can eat that kind of sugar level, it's a mystery. sooooo overly sweet. i'll pass.

i'm tired of fast food, man. i need nasi and a decent home cook meal. was thinking to tapau some food but every time we stopped, there is no sight of restaurant around. bad bad bad huhuhu. might get lucky in Nilai, i hope. itu pun kalau ada.

everyone is sleeping now. gotta catch my nap too. later.

kl trip part 2

2010-01-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

so here i am again, blogging inside the bus, keeps rollin' rollin' rollin' to melaka. broadband comes in handy. i think im going to get one la like this. cool. blogging when others just sit and do nothing. not like i have much to do but at least the brain gets functional, at the best as it could get, momentarily.

started the morning trip to melaka with an indian guy as our 'bus' pilot and a 'rasa sayang eh rasa sayang sayang eh' by my 3 yrs old lil cousin singing breaking the code of sound by the engines.

i had fun gambling in Genting, losing rm200 in the wheel of fortune. nasib 200 ja. some of us won and ended membelanja minum beer hahaha. money worth nothing when it comes to gambling, it's true. i saw this one chinese couple gambled losing thousands of ringgit by minutes. sitting next to them, my gawd, it's nerve wrecking.

we had beers and stouts there worth rm14 and rm15 each can, paying almost 500 each session. gila haha macam kaya ja but we won back the money in the casino. thanks for the spinning head, the wheel of fortune got bad luck hehe but still, im in the losing side. i've tried my best, ok! hehe

living life in the bus is tiring. if only malaysia is australia. it would be so much fun ehehe. sitting in the park watching people pass by while eating ice cream and flowers everywhere. fuhh i want that.

ohh speaking of ice cream, we were in the park eating ice cream ramai2 while waiting for my cousins to take their turn, people around were watching and some of em ended up joining hahaha. makan ice cream time sejuk2. best juga. the funny thing was when a malay guy look at us and proposed his girlfriend for an ice cream but got rejected on the spot, we were like ahaha kesian, apa punya girl la nda romantik.

ok the bus is getting bumpy. later.

kl trip part 1

2010-01-13T23:58:00.000-08:00

ok here's a fast n furious updating :P im in LCCT at the moment makan ayam merrybrown. less spicy compares to all the rempah ratus of KFC. i usually enjoyed my meal, i mean whenever i ate KFC but not here. all the flies freely fly in and out the outlet, pakcik sebelah meja sneezing without covering his mouth, all the different2 languages.. pening. that is why i never like kolompo when it comes to staying or working here. yerrrr.. too fuzzy la the surrounding.

i went back to keningau last night to complete my application as a 'guru sandaran'. i never thought that i would go for teaching, NEVAAAA!!!! but thats the turning point, i guess. ya la whatever comes, comes la. malas suda mo fikir2. so i drove back to k.k this morning making another record, only an hour driving from keningau to k.k. it usually took me 1 and a half hours to 2 hours. i had a plane to catch at 12, that's why la.

speaking of keningau, i got brainwashed again last night. was forced to take the 3rd generation's throne. responsibility responsibility responsibility huhuhu. although i want to pass it to my cousin, im the 'oldest male' candidate huhu. menang tanpa bertanding lagi tu aduhh.

ba jap nanti sambung. mo p genting lu kasi bankrub tu kasion si lim ekekeke

bikin panas

2010-01-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

some people just don't want to grow up and kid around like stupid motherfuckers trying to stir up the peace and unity of different beliefs. if they think war based on religion is some interesting thing to play with, please learn for history. ni monyet2 kalau suda nda pandai berfikir betul2 la macam pantat. so much for 1Malaysia. najib, u fail.

dung dung dung

2010-01-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

ok la i update la this blog lol :P for those who cannot wait for me to get a good writing mood, well here's a messy one aha.

3 more minutes before the clock strikes 3 and a couple of hours before the first sun ray gets to light this dark room, aaaaannnnnnd im still struggling to get a good night sleep duh. can't seems to count the days, like it has been forever since i had a good night sleep. i really2 hate when i get to dream of snakes. i dislike that, the most. oh last night, i dreamt of a friend got eaten by an ugly giant fish or something, i dont know what's that thing, and i can't even remember who was that guy friend. pity though he got eaten alive and i couldn't save him :( i got myself a moody Thursday after that.

i had fun during christmas and new year, even though it wasn't like the year before and yrs before that. uncle got sick and that kinda kill the mood, not entirely, but still, it wasn't the same. but he's getting healthier day by day. that's how i analysed his condition or somehow it shows. still a good news. got thrown in the fish pond during the new year and burning the night sky with firecrackers bombardment. cool sight, that was. got Knock out by the ultimate 'bom atom/ Tapai'. had an unplugged session with the folks with my rusty dusted electric guitar and an acoustic one. we sang a bunch of songs. cool stuff. BBQ all over with friends and relatives. i love my family.

starting the new year with a not so good luck. the car broke down and i got sick. let alone my medical fee, it was already a rm130 worth of drugs to be consume by this small body of mine. my gambling luck was also in a bad shape. i hope when i get to the casino in genting, i'll wipe off all the money they can afford to lose to me ahaha. dream yeah keep on dreaming, one day, yes, one find day.

i drove the days back and fort, from kk to my home town and back again, only to be accompany by this 'tut' radio channel. they were talking about 1malaysia and all. but fuck that, why is it always between the Malay, the Indian and the Chinese are acknowledge in most of the advertisements? where are the bumiputeras and the orang asli? for at least, when they talk about 1Malaysia, though im a sabahan, oiii i am a warganegara malaysia what? so much for a radio rasmi but totally bullshit.

i signed up for a job application online and there was a requirement asking about my religion. i was like 'ohh shit, should i lie or something?' do they really need that sort of requirement in order for me to get a job? do by religion gives them the right and approval whether i will get that specific job or get kicked out from the running list? why do people like to play around of beliefs. i just can't understand. is it me or someone else is running around with a total zero understanding?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i hate when people start to bitching on the radio. do they really need to let the whole country to listen and eventually get a sneak peek of their private lives, and they even proud of it. my gawd. it's not that i want to listen to it but because the car can only get that specific radio channel that i have to get through all of these stupidity, EVERYDAY. even worse than a moody monday. it's a miracle that today i get a new radio channel HITS.fm and ok la. at least it got indian fellow DJs and funny ones some more.

ok la stop with the complain, need my beauty sleep now :P

out of the blue

2009-12-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

12.30am and sitting under the cover of darkness, chill air and a good song orchestrating in the ears .. that's a pretty nice night life, if you ask me. forgetting what was and should be done, yeah, even only for a little moment. the mellow sound of crickets and rumbling engines of planes breaking the silent code, cracking a bit of peace of mind. but it's all good. non matters compare to the busy city life once the sun sets the first ray at dawn.

air whispering lullabies, signaling the time has come for a good night sleep yet the eyes are and still wide open, thoughts flowing in and out, while the brain processes nothing but dull notion. yet, why am i pondering this late? not that it's a mystery coz' i know, some might been doing the same thing right now and thinking the same thing. why do we need to live this way?

i was thinking what will happened for the next 2 or 3 years from now. scary, though. when i think back the days i used to hangout with that same bunch of friends who mostly have already settled down, having a bunch of kids around, wifes to die for, and so fort, .. those days were the best. nothing to worry about and nothing to scare of. nothing seems significant. back during my study years, that was. friends all over, fun was around almost in every corner of the eyes.

we used to clean up the house while blasting kitaro to the max, meditating through the sound of 'silk road', getting rid the dust once in a semester. that was fun. as though we really need to meditate, eh? belajar nda, tapi mo meditate tension konon. but yeah, i guess we really did get tension by the hell kuala lumpur could offer with. kuala lumpur.. yeah, i survived kuala lumpur for almost 4 years and a half, alone. but yeah, not forgetting close friends. i cherish every moment i had in sin city, though it was hard, but we had fun. thanks, ya'll.

the fun side of being alone in the busy metropolitan, for me, is when i rode the public transportation, be it the bus, train, komuter or anything, to see the road sight, it's something out of the world's experience. im not the type who like to go to the malls or famous landmarks but rather someone who you can bring to journey down the suburb metropolitan, watching the old and dark side of city life; very2 old building, elders, back alley's temples, old and empty neighborhood, drugs, prostitution, low life and mostly, hard life.

i like to see and to observe. people and places. how they behave and how they live their lives. you know it's always hard but life ain't always easy. it pains you, piercing the heart, to see some ugly side of it but this is reality. not to pity or down grade anyone, but my current life isn't that much different from others. same here, just manage to hang on a sinking boat. slowly but scary. waiting for another chance of another boat to pass by, hoping to grab a hold on it. life, sailing in a vast dangerous sea. anything can happen.

living in an alien world, that's what i always thought of living in semenanjung, because people was like.. 'ohh, u datang dari sabah? selamat datang ke malayasia' . selamat datang my ass, as if i don't belong to this country. fuck that. one of many, most precious comfort i had was when visiting a friend in Shah Alam. we used to have good talks, drinking, billiard, and all, like we always do for almost 20 years back, since primary 1 ya. come back la weh, kita reunion with the bachelor gang haha. speaking of bachelor, my gawd, any good girl available ka? haha.

neway, si aseng suda tunggu d luar..going for supper now. later.

is there will be an answer..let it be.

2009-12-14T09:11:00.001-08:00

the world i see is painted with so much miseries and troubles but somehow it managed to portrait so many magical colours of wonders.

it's a really really a good singing and guitar playing, though, it's somehow sad to watch. i don't know but it's a good kind of sad. words can't describe. sad because we give up to easily and it rings a wake up call? something like that, i guess.

the song... my gawd, the song, a handicap singing Let It Be, it's just somewhat .. indescribable. somehow sentimental, or rather a fool if im not. makes me thankful that im still alive and having a perfect body to be able to do so many things.

heh!

2009-12-09T07:18:00.000-08:00

what would you do if someone ask for your opinion but never respect your words and end up a broken friendship?

a friend of mine, a lady, asked me about some issues regarding on virginity. so i told her a bit of this and that of my opinion, and she was kinda irritated with it. debating is never my interest, i care less about it but when it comes to you NOT respecting and lack of tolerance to others' in my present, you are bound to stay for eternity in my garbage bin.

she was kinda 'ohh yes im super good and all' just because you are a virgin and to others who are not, are the worst. oh please, im kinda allergic to such stupidity and super idiots. even if others aren't virgin, whether you like it or not, they are entitled to their own. it's called pendirian masing-masing. why do you need to bash out someone's way of life? it may look like not a good one, nor have u, a good personality.

don't mind around with others' if you cannot tolerate with anything. it's even hard for a laugh. no doubt, for me, it's the worst kind of people who think they are 'something' but actually rubbish, only talk so loud. everyone has their own way and journey to walk, destined to their own. stop faking a prophet if you only talk bad.

so she asked me again the kind of lady of my preferance, so i told her, someone who can show respect to others. i was just being honest but she felt attacked by my response and that's it, she deleted me from her contact list. i care less with a stupid lady who thinks she's the best but actually an idiot. ohh crap, why did she need to ruin my day? not that i had a good one, she's making it even worse.

now im pissed off. so next time, don't ever ask me for opinion .. oh yeah, she deleted me, my bad.

something precious

2009-12-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

the air is kinda heavy tonight attracting heavy thoughts, thoughts that make you wonder and sad, revoking guilty feeling. do you still remember those people in your yesteryears? the people you hangout, or those same faces you grow up with?

i was in my hometown a couple of weeks ago, balik kampung. i felt bad to know that my uncle got sick, and i suddenly got scared. really really scared. it ain't that serious but somehow it put me back on solid ground, reminding me of life cycle. i was once young, and they were too but now, i am a kid no more. we grew older and they become quite old, themselves. yeah, they become quite old.

i remember once i had an empty aquarium back in the days. i would fill fishes caught from the nearby Liawan river and it was kinda empty in the end. so my uncle brought me to the deserted paddy field just outside the Dangulad village to get some water plants. it was back the days of the 1996's deadly storm, Greg the stupid. huh. most of the field was destroyed and what was left are the ruins and pieces of broken shattered dreams of those lifes who got crushed during the storm, their belongings. you could still heard n felt the moans in every step you took into the land.

i wanted to get a Lotus but it was kinda hard to pull it out from the roots. i took a couple of unknown gift of nature back home, decorated my aquarium and it became one of the piece of beauty nature ever gave me, thanks to him. it was a really really beautiful memory, kept in a very beautiful chest in a very special place in the heart.

of course, there are those times when we need to get older and have to travel places to pursue our ambitions, there are things have to be left behind. somehow and unnoticely, promises and dreams of the old are forgotten and shattered. what's left today are only those dread dreams you are living in and guilt, becoming the person we are not suppose to be. grapes become so sour and rotten.

im kinda afraid of losing. to lose something so precious.

im glad it's already December, though. it's time for family to get together and united as 1. to have fun and good laughs, and dance and talks. a very good time to grow old together, for the moment, while it still last.

so sad ;(

walking the water surface

2009-12-02T07:34:00.000-08:00

people might say that walking on water surface is impossible. not that im saying it isn't true but childhood memories prove me wrong. i used to watch Chinese movies during my weekends, kungfu here and kungfu there, where monks runs on water surface while carrying huge swords or wands at their back or hands. not forgetting the legendary Japanese ninjas wearing nothing but black cloths with shurikens (ninja stars) and ninjutsu, fighting on the lakes and sort of. it was fun back then, imagining somehow in the future we might walk on the water surface, not drowning and dying and end up famous on the news of being found a couple meters away from the tragic spot. huhu. reality bites hard.

time passed and we grow up maturing and forgetting such cool notion. so what now? we can't really walk on water surface, eh?

i came across a 'total flip' of understanding regarding on it last night. heard a story about monks trying to walk across a river and it really blew me away to total awe. the story begins with an elder monk crossing the river with not much of a problem. he jumps from spot to spot like flying over water; jumps, lands and jumps again, wetting only his shoes. then came the second monk. a short one. he did the same, he too jumps from spot to spot over water but end up wetting his lower robe.

a junior monk was watching over them and said to himself, "i too have been studying under the same guru and teaching, i too might walk over water." he stand at the river bank, work out some confidence, and jump he go. BAMM!!! there he goes into the water, wetting all his robe with a total confusion in his mind. what happened? the two elders was watching him and one of them whisper to the other,

"should we tell him where the stone spots are?"

hah. we can walk over water surface in life. as long as we are willing to learn from the good teachers, or drown into the lake of failure together with the bad ones. it struck me hard, did i ever learnt from a good one? im pretty sure i did but i think i never manage to learn how to spot the stones below the water surface, yet. thinking back a bit, not that he didn't teach, but im more a bad student. huhu.

man, learning is not so easy but not that you have to rush about it. it takes time and courage to learn. not forgetting the correct mind set. when all the terms are synchronized, learning is just a piece of cake, get it and eat it. orang bilang macam makan kacang. i came across with similar situations like this, where circumstances is sooooo darn pushy, for me to learn things in a short period of time, i did, so many times. hah. walking over water surface is not impossible. here's a short trick to it,

'impossible = i'm + possible'

self comforting

2009-12-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

so im was out of service for 2 days due to brain malfunction lol. stress has taken its toll, yeah everybody does, sometimes. slowly digging my way back to stay relevant, .. inside the box we're trapped in, still and mostly do. how to feel about it now.. i just don't know. tell me how should we? still singing the same old song, eh? ok.. cool. sigh.

so it's already December ya. year end is at the door step and about to leave with extra heavy baggage of this year's journey yet the burden remains at the shoulder of a new year. sigh. new resolution won't do much. solution, is what must be done but it ain't done, yet. another fail attempts today, another journey to walk through tomorrow. the cycle rolls, and rolling and rolling and rolling..it just won't stop. trembling and trembling and trembling, ... still. it ain't so good.

whatever happened during the year.. it won't change the fact what we are moving to another new year. another circle of a 365 days. another 365 days of hope. recalling back the days, i've been practicing idiotism almost 1/3 of the year. come the new year's light, more smarter and wiser i should become. im already tired of the same stupidity, weeks by weeks, turns into this year's waste. precious time wasted. i had fun, though. not complaining, just self comforting.

i was writing a draft of a 'book' entitled 'box shape mirror glass' at the start of this year but halted during mid year and i never did continue for a third chapter. it was just something i did during my free time, though, lasted only in the first half of the year. sigh. time goes by so fast. might continue writing it now since im slowing down several habits.

it's funny when people look at me from some pictures posted around the net and they were like 'ohh shit, this person is bad/worse'. i had my laughs. yeah well whatever, man. as long as i know where i stand, it's cool. i don't intend to hide my 'not so good side of nature' to the mass. im just having my fun. criticism is absolute welcomed. i don't mind, at all. people just being hypocrite, im just being tolerate. cool, eh? *sarcasm* haha but yeah, funny pics, indeed haha

sunday rambling

2009-11-29T00:08:00.000-08:00

ok it's the day of the sun again. warmth not so overpowering, it's a cool sunny day. clock ticking quite slow and im kinda bored at the moment. another 50 minutes to 5. dont have anything to blog at the moment just messing with it, bah. i was thinking to go get some cool pics but ngehh... im kinda nailed hard with boredom these few months. something ... i need something to get me interested with. aaaaa~~

meja9 begins

2009-11-25T21:05:00.000-08:00

so here's another blog journey from me meja9. no more 'walking in a circle', though, i kinda like it very much but it matters no more, the server went down and was never repaired. cant remember when was the last time i blogged. another one more month to go and the door will be closed forever, good bye 2009. couple of things happened through out the year but i had fun. old faces remain, and im happy for that. Thank God.

it was a very stressful year i must say. though, some important events happened. after more than 2 decades of self imprison, i had enough. it's time to open up windows to the outside world of beautiful flowers and butterflies, clear blue sky and whatever good things they might be. so many steps to catch up with, so many flaws to refine too. Reinventing whatever invented during the days of old. pure black and heavy thoughts. changes occur in time so.. i guess i've changed a bit. not like it matters to the world nor the person sitting next to me, even.. it's just that, i don't change like everyday, no? :)

cant remember when though, i met a girl during Sunday prayer. i was sooooooo wanting to know her name and all. it's a sad sad world, i just couldn't do it, even just to say a simple Hi. that was when i realized that i am too scared to get connected with people other than the ones i knew. that was kinda scary. there is a thick wall built right in frond of me, pushing me back, away from the reach of people. 'Acceptance' is one crazy shit. life made me think like such.

it took me months and a couple of brainwashing to be able to talk to her.. and that's it. the day i talked to her was the last day she would be here. puffff...she got transfered to somewhere else. life ain't that fair though, just that we couldn't quit playing roles on the chessboard. thanks to her, im quite happy with my new found joy. now i can talk to random people again, no problem.

it's not that people can't be changed. it's how they gain help n guidance that matters. people with self-hatred are the most troublesome to handle with. the faith of changing is no more than old folklores or dim dreams that never comes. if only we can understand each others more, everyone is hatred-free, i guess. but the wheel rolls though, nobody is quite 'everything' and not everyone can be there. not everyone can easily changed, sad, it is. reality bleeds, for real.